Welcome to the 3rd Act! » Change & Transition

Interview with Margie Adam

joevanderkooy — Mon, 10 May 2010 21:52:49 +0000

INTERVIEW WITH MARGIE ADAM

Margie Adam has been an icon and leader in the women’s music movement and deeply engaged as a singer/song writer, organizer and activist. She recently completed a Ph.D. in psychology at the University of Integrative Learning and is launching her 3^rd Act as an integrative counselor. We interviewed her last month to learn the story of her transition from a successful 2^ND act to her new career in her 3^rd Act.

Margie, tell me the story of your 2^nd act as a women’s music legend and icon, your decision to pursue your PhD and become a counselor in your 3^rd Act.

A few years ago I was invited by friends to bring my labyrinth and my music to a faculty retreat for the University of Integrative Learning (UIL). I didn’t know much about UIL except that it is an institution of higher learning based on a educational movement called Universities Without Walls. These educators believed one’s life experience should be considered source material for advanced degrees. At the time, I had just put out double-disc project called Portal, a 7 minute meditation DVD, featuring my photography of Scotland’s Callanish Stones and a CD compilation of my contemplative piano music. Having completed this work, I could feel I was moving toward something else but it wasn’t at all clear that the destination was musical in nature.

After the retreat, I “sat still” for several months and let myself listen for “the next right thing”. This habit of checking in with my intuition is something I developed as a practice over decades in the music business. I have been very fortunate throughout my work life to have said “Yes!” at moments which changed the entire direction of my career. In 1973 I said yes to performing in public when I was invited to sing at a fund-raiser for Jeanne Cordova’s influential magazine, The Lesbian Tide. I kept saying yes to concert invitations as the women’s music movement and feminist organizations emerged and grew together as the cultural and political arms of the women’s liberation movement. I will always be honored that my music was a part of the feminist soundtrack empowering and comforting the very women who were bringing about dramatic social change we were singing about.

By the time I went to the UIL retreat, I had been a public woman in the feminist movement since I was 25. I am now 63. Friends had been telling me for years that I should write my memoir, focused on my experiences during the heyday of the women’s movement. My standard response had always been: I am too busy living my present to spend all that time writing about my past. But when I encountered UIL I realized I could use its educational structure to write a memoir while pursuing a PhD at the same time.

However, the very process of writing about my experience in the feminist and Women’s Music movements gave me to a new clarity. I realized I had come to a natural resting place with my music and was standing at a crossroads. With the release of PORTAL, I had completed a long journey. This project was a kind of summary as well as an update. It included a compilation of my favorite contemplative compositions and featured powerful visual imagery of the Sacred Feminine in Scotland’s mystical landscapes.

I realized that what I really wanted to do next was to explore the possibility of becoming an integrative counselor. After working with others for years in AA as a recovering alcoholic, and having had formal training as a counselor years before, this was what that “still small voice” was telling me. Though it was not what I thought I was doing when I entered the UIL advanced degree program, the “next right thing” was being made clear to me. So I said yes. I dropped the memoir idea and committed myself to a rigorous PhD-Psychology process that I completed earlier this year. My dissertation focused on defining a hybrid psychotherapeutic modality integrating 12-step principles and psychotherapy’s best practices.

Having shared my heart and art with audiences on fire with a woman-loving passion for social change, I know that the personal is political, and transformation comes from the heart and the body, not just the brain. Today, there is nothing more intensely energizing for me than working with women and men who are exploring within themselves the capacity to heal their own broken hearts and lives. This is where I draw my fuel now…. being a witness and support as they discover that they can heal and be empowered by their own life experiences , instead of being forever limited by them.

From my 2^nd act, I envision leaving behind the singer-songwriter persona of Margie Adam. I can now let go of many of the demands I put on myself as a feminist artist and role model. I am taking on a new set of responsibilities as a counselor, as a witness and guide. I look forward with anticipation and deep gratitude as my 3^rd act begins.

“Help When Change Is Hard” by Bev Scott

joevanderkooy — Mon, 10 May 2010 21:32:18 +0000

Listening to one of our workshop participants lament how many times she had tried to diet and exercise, I thought about the entertaining yet extremely helpful book by the Heath brothers, Chip and Dan, titled Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. Clearly for her, “change was hard”! And without changing her habits, she risks losing out on her 30 year bonus for her 3rd Act! I find the formula the authors use to be insightful in understanding why change is so hard for us at any age. Let me share it with you.

First of all, the heart and mind frequently disagree. Adamantly! Our brain has two independent systems at work all the time: the emotional side and the rational side. The Heaths use an analogy originally proposed by psychologist Jonathan Haidt to capture the tension between the two systems of our brain. The emotional side is an Elephant and the rational side is its Rider. Although the Rider perched on the Elephant holding the reins looks like the leader in control, that control is pretty insecure because any time the Rider and the Elephant disagree about which way to go, the Rider is going to lose…he or she is completely out matched. If you want to change something, you have to reach both the Rider who provides the planning and direction and the Elephant who provides the energy.

As the book unfolds, the Heaths provide a three-part framework to guide any change situation, personal or organizational. We must Direct the Rider: Give crystal-clear direction. Motivate the Elephant: Since the Rider gets exhausted from trying to get his/her way, it is critical to engage the emotional side to get the elephant to cooperate. Shape the Path: The surrounding environment is considered the Path. When we shape the Path, change is more likely.

We can direct the Rider based on what works for us and by providing precise directions with clear boundaries. For example, if you analyze your past experience and identify that you are more likely to exercise in the morning than later in the day, clear Rider directions are: Exercise every morning by taking a 30 minute walk before 7:00 a.m. The foundation for motivating the Elephant comes from feeling. Knowledge of nutrition and health isn’t enough to motivate a change of diet. Finding positive feeling is more motivational than negative feeling. And, the Elephant has to believe that she is capable of conquering the change. So we might focus on future elation of being able to climb easily up a mountain on a hike or get into a sexy outfit. But we have to believe we can do it. Change happens in small increments; the Heaths call it shrinking the change. An example might be that we begin changing our diet by eliminating chips from our daily afternoon snack. With success, then we can move to eating whole wheat toast instead of croissants and muffins in the morning. We have motivated the Elephant with small successful steps which help us believe we can change and live into that image of climbing the mountain or the sexy outfit.

But for us to be successful in sticking to that change, the Heaths argue that we must also Shape the Path. Tweaking the environment provides additional support for the hard change. Using smaller plates and bowls means smaller portions. Never eat snack food directly out of the bag; pour a small amount into a small plate or bowl. Get your exercise clothes out the night before ready to jump into them in the morning. Another tool of Shaping the Path is building habits in service to your change mission. Create a time for your exercise program that you can meet every day. Develop a habit of eating a fruit or vegetable snack between meals. And a final tool, rally support…hang out with fit and trim friends, get to know folks at the gym, walk with a buddy every day.

This clever formula can help us make the hard changes we need to make as we transition from our 2nd to our 3rd act. Hard change becomes possible. We need clear direction to change the habits and routines of our familiar 2nd Act. We need to take the small steps and develop new habits that support the vision of joy, health and happiness of our 3rd Act. Those changes may be related to exercise and diet to ensure our health and vitality. Or it may be cultivating social connections unrelated to our former work and professional lives by making room on the calendar for one outing a month with an acquaintance. Here is to your success with hard changes in directing your Rider, motivating your Elephant and shaping your Path!

See www.heathbrothers.com to order the book.

“The 30 Year Bonus” by Bev Scott

joevanderkooy — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:27:40 +0000

Do you know about the “30 year bonus”? If you are in your late 50’s or 60’s you have the potential of living another 30 or 40 years! That is significantly more than our parents could ever imagine.

The average life expectancy at age 65 in this country was reported by the US Government in 2005 to be 85. And, depending on your health, vitality and life style your life expectancy may be 95 or more. If you are under 65, you may live well into your 100’s. Centenarians are currently the fastest growing segment of our population. We are indeed living longer!

Given that we have the potential of another 30 years of life after age 65, how do you want to live it? When I envision my life in the next 30 years, I want to be healthy, vital and active; I want to continue growing and learning and I want to be engaged in activities that have meaning and purpose for me. I am guessing that you want something similar. Many of our readers are not yet 65, and some of you aren’t even close. But, I bet you want to have a similar positive image of your life after 50 or 65, too. What can we do to ensure that vision of a vital, active and purposeful life is fulfilled?

Science tells us that most of our aging is influenced by our lifestyle. The good news is that we can make changes that will enhance our lives and increase our longevity. It is helpful to raise questions about our current lives– the physical, emotional, professional, personal, social and spiritual dimensions—to clarify for ourselves how we are living our lives and to identify what we may want to change so we can take advantage of that 30 year bonus.

Physical

In our second act, many of us neglect our fitness, gain some weight and maybe find our cholesterol or blood pressure too high for good health. Of course, loss of our health is unpredictable and something of a wildcard. Yet we know that daily workouts, eating nutritious low fat meals packed with vegetables and fruits and getting 6-8 hours of sleep will help us stay strong and vital and combat serious disease and health challenges. I think most of us would prefer a span of 30 healthy vital years with a quick decline than 30 years of decay. How is your current health and fitness? Do you have a commitment to support your health and wellness? Do you need to take some action to lose weight, quit smoking, improve your diet or get more rest?

Emotional

Popular stereotypes would lead us to believe that most of us go through a mid-life crises between 40 and 60 leading to unhappiness and depression. Yet researchers who have been studying the development process of our lives report that, far from being a time of turmoil, dissatisfaction and dread of getting old, only a small percent of participants report having a midlife crises (23% in the MacArthur Foundation Research Network Study) and in many cases it had nothing to do with aging. Based on the results of this study most people are entering their sixth or seventh decades with increased feeling of well-being, equanimity, a sense of control over many parts of their lives and feeling younger than their years. An AARP study in 2006 also reports that 85% of those who have already retired are satisfied with their lives. These studies suggest that aging is not the dreaded time of our imaginations, but rather with intention and focus we can create a joyful and satisfying third act. What brings you joy, pleasure and deep satisfaction? Do you take action to lift your mood when you are feeling down so the dark clouds don’t linger in your life? Do you take time to enjoy the small pleasures of each day? How can you continue to find those emotional rewards in the coming years?

Professional

For many of us our careers bring achievements, deep personal fulfillment and the financial rewards of success in our chosen fields. Such success may have also mean the stressful demands of long hours and hard work. Many of us have had two full time jobs – raising children and a career. When we reach 55, 60 or 65, many of us are ready to “slow down”, have more time for relaxation and to enjoy other interests. Yet some of us do not want to quit entirely or financially can’t afford to stop bringing in income. The current financial recession has impacted many of us through job losses or reduced savings. The Harris Poll and Ken Dychtwald report in 2009 that 70% of us envision retirement to include work either part time or going back and forth between periods of work and periods of leisure. 60% of participants in the study describe retirement as an “opportunity for a new, exciting chapter in life” with a startling 46% of us wanting to do something new, like start a new business or new career. Others of us want to use our professional skills in ways that contribute and make a difference to our community or to the world. Do you want or need to continue to work? Are you interested in launching something new? How much do you want or need to work? How do you want to continue using your skills, experience and your time?

Personal

Full time work and raising a family leaves little time to pursue hobbies, leisure time activities or make contributions as a volunteer. As our family obligations are reduced and we think of working part time or even leaving our work and careers, new and exciting opportunities open up. We can pursue long delayed dreams, complete neglected projects, learn to play the piano, speak Spanish, study history, or make a meaningful contributions to causes about which we are passionate. The 60 year olds in the AARP study reported that they wanted to spend time with loved ones, engage in their interests and hobbies or make time to do what they had always wanted to do. Do you have a passion to make a difference, to contribute to your community? Do you have dreams or projects you have longed to plunge into with time to pursue and accomplish? Do you have subjects you want to explore or skills you want to learn?

Social

One of our most important measures of success is having loving family and friends. As we age, spending time with family and friends becomes increasingly important and a critical part of our support system which can help us stay healthy and independent. Yet, during our second act we are often so busy that these relationships suffer sometimes irreparably. The latest scientific findings reported in “Why Good Things Happen to Good People” connect generous behavior to happiness, health and longevity. As we age we have more time to contribute to the community and to causes we care about. Active involvement in volunteering also brings meaning as we serve a cause greater than ourselves. What actions are you taking to maintain connection to good friends and extended family? Do you set aside special time to spend with parents, children, grandchildren? What organizations or causes do you care about and how are you contributing your time and skills to be involved?

Spiritual

The multi-tasking, over-scheduled life cruising on auto-pilot leaves little time to explore the questions of deeper meaning in our lives. We may be burned out, disenchanted with the “rewards” of climbing the corporate ladder, demands of travel; or when time does emerge, we are often at a loss, drifting and feeling somehow empty of purpose and direction. Many of us may feel that somehow during our second act, we set aside something important we want to retrieve. Or after our children leave home, we need something else to give our lives meaning and purpose. The experts suggest that the changes that matter during this time are more often spiritual and psychological. Are you asking what you are called to do and what will provide meaning and purpose in this next phase of your life? Is your life fulfilled and guided by your spiritual beliefs? Have you found purpose and meaning in making a contribution to something greater than you are?

Regardless of how close you are to 65, you can not apply for your 30 year bonus unless you are even now taking steps to clarify and enhance your life in these areas. There are several websites listed below which enable you to enter information about your health and your life style to determine your virtual age and your life expectancy. I encourage you to try one. I found it both surprising and motivating. According to the longevity calculator, I might be living to 103! (I hadn’t really thought about living past 90!) And it reminded me of the short cuts I take when I am busy and distracted that potentially take health and years off my life. What is your virtual age? Your life expectancy? Will you be taking advantage of the 30 year bonus? Let me know your results.

http://moneycentral.msn.com/investor/calcs/n_expect/main.asp

http://longevitycalculator.aarp.org

http://livingwellalah.com/

Journal Entry #3 by Barbara Beizer

joevanderkooy — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:46:55 +0000

(This is the third installment of Barbara’s journal sharing her insights and experiences as she approaches retirement. To read the first installments, click here. )

Euphoria

I am consulting part time now.

Having left my corporate job of 20 years, I am loving, I mean wallowing in the joy of being on my own. Liberated from performance reviews, freed from building “project decks”, and lifted out of the horrid drag of corporate stress, I am able to dedicate all my energy and whole self to clients and their opportunities and challenges.

When I left my company, I didn’t really know what would become of me. How good could I be on my own? Who would hire me? For what? I over-scheduled myself with activities – weekends away with friends, workshops, trips, anything so I wouldn’t wind up on my couch watching Oprah and Dr. Oz every day, eating bon-bons and not even knowing I was depressed.

My friends laughed at me. Never, they said. They know me so much better than I know myself. My husband says I don’t know how NOT to work.

Some of my work is for my old company. Being able to say yes or no, choosing only those projects I want to do for clients I love, is sheer heaven.

The rest of my work is for non-profits that have asked for my help – everything from talking on transition topics to strategic planning consulting.

I didn’t even have to start my own business. I have no partners, no associates and no bottom line. A vendor I know lets me do a pass-through arrangement for a mutually agreed upon percentage of my take.

Not that I don’t have colleagues – other professionals and friends who represent a wide range of disciplines – with whom I get together, work with and learn from. They are indispensible to my success and well-being.

My fears of becoming a depressed couch-potato are only real to me, and I’m relieved to report, these have receded significantly. Now I get to worry about syncing up calendars on my pc and i-phone (not easy), when to see my grandchildren and when to fit yoga into my life.

I hope this lasts!

Journal Entry #2 by Barbara Beizer

joevanderkooy — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:57:23 +0000

Four Days Out
Going to Pieces…

Mark Epstein wrote “Going to Pieces without Falling Apart.” That’s me today, only I am not sure about the falling apart part.

My normal level of irreverence torqued up into overdrive. Flip comments about people and projects that only some think funny. I am relying on the good will I’ve built up over the years. Do I have enough deposits in that bank to off-set this behavior? I envision a bridge on fire. This helps.

I did a presentation that turned out to be the same one I did for that group last year. They wanted an updated version—ooops. Friends in the room asked questions that led us to the right spot. Thank heavens for those friends.

Then I totally forgot two different meetings, and on top of that simply ignored a whole set of emails on another project. Worse, when asked, I swore I had responded. Oooops again. Had to go back and apologize more times in a week than I usually do in a year’s time.

My brain was like an etch-a-sketch, emptying important information right out of my consciousness. I pride myself on being competent. I don’t mind apologizing when I’m wrong, but geez, so many times!

I asked a friend if you forget a lot of things when you retire. She said, “I hope so – I’m counting on losing a lot of stuff I can’t use and don’t want any more.”

Maybe I’m not falling apart. But, how much energy am I using to keep it together? I can’t wait to leave.

Two Days Out
My To-Do List

Here’s what I’ll do when I am liberated from my corporate job:

• Partner – He lives in New York City, I live in Washington, DC. He’s not retiring.   We’ve had a fulfilling, loving, commuting relationship for more than 14 years. No reason to change that now.
• Grandchildren — I am not committing to any regular help (which my son asked for as soon as I set a retirement date), but will spend much more time with my totally adorable grandchildren, my son and his wife.   Later in the summer, we go to England to visit partner’s son and wife and welcome grandchild number three!   I like babies, so this is sheer pleasure.
• Friends – I’ll visit and enjoy my friends much more often. Already, two delicious weekends away …a spa in the Berkshires and a house in the country… are planned for the fall.
• Consulting – but, only projects I want to work on, for my “old” company and others. I think I want to keep doing what I love to do for three years or so, until I’m 70.
• Non-profit volunteering – I’ll keep working with the two organizations I’m already active in. In the fall, I’ll go to the local training to become a board member of a non-profit.
• Exercise – I’ll play more tennis and renew my yoga and workout routines – ok, not routines, but some kind of regular effort.
• Jewelry – I’ll spend more time learning about silver wire and making beautiful sculptural pieces to wear.
• Travel –At the bottom of the list. Mostly because I have already been a lot of places. I love trips, though, and would like to visit Bhutan and some parts of Africa before I die.

Last Day of Work
Ending on a High

For a few days now I’ve been so excited, you’d think I was 12 and having a birthday party with all my best friends.

Looking back, there isn’t much I’ve left undone. There are things I wish had not happened in my life, but since they did, I’m inclined to think I’m a better person for it – or at least more interesting.

Like alcoholism – runs in my family and ran into my life, until I made a decision at 43 to face life sober. I ran with a cocktail crowd in the 50’s and 60’s, a hip, soft-drug crowd in the 70’s and by the 80’s I had gotten to a point where I didn’t want to answer my phone and I hated beautiful, sunny days because even I had to admit I was in trouble if I stayed indoors and drank. So, I’d take my tall glass of wine and sit in a lounge chair outside.

During all that drinking time, I raised my son, hung with lots of friends, worked here and there, went through two relationships and a marriage, played volleyball, had several dogs and cats, moved from DC to LA and back to DC, traveled, and, well, didn’t grow up much. Sort of an extended hippie phase – I thought it was all very cool. Intermittently miserable, but cool.

One day on the advice of a friend, I went to an Adult Children of Alcoholics seminar for a whole day. I woke up the next morning with a new and painful realization of what alcoholism does to one’s family, friends and self, in that order, and a conviction not to drink that has lasted 24 years, a day at a time as we say.

Now I’m more grown up. Life is full of choices. That’s a great high.