Since [...]]]>
Since the birth of my first grandchild over 10 years ago, the advancement in communication technology has been wonderful. The connections are made with ease. The tools and programs have improved to such an extent that a luddite such as myself find the process simplified and intuitive. What has made my particular experience so different with my grandson is my iPad 2 and Face Time.
My daughter and I make a Face Time appointment once or twice a week. I can see how excited my grandson is to see me. He comes right up to the screen and tries to grab me. I have been really surprised at the level of ease he has with this technology. We, in our 3rd Act are not internet natives with virtual communication tools. Many of us still struggle with the language and systems. My grandson was born an indigenous participant able to soak in the new cyberspace vocabulary as easily as he learns his native language or accepts the iPad 2 as if it was a game of “hide and seek”. It seems as natural to him as it seems foreign to me. I found myself a little held back at first. I couldn’t quite get the hang of the right positioning or angle for the best iPad viewing. But now I see what a difference it has made in our relationship. When I come to visit, there is no initial shyness. He just leaps into my arms and my heart fills with joy.
In the 3rd act stage of our lives, it is critical to maintain contact with family and friends. The more connections we make and grow the happier we will be when we age. These new technology advances like Face Time, Skype or Facebook give us the opportunity to stay involved with family and friends even though we may live on different continents. Now, my French family has an iPad 2 and we can talk regularly as well. How wonderful to see them in their ordinary lives not just on special holidays and vacations.
Recently…I know I am very late …I signed up for Facebook limiting it just to family and close friends. Now, I can not only stay connected in real time via Face Time, I can see what everyone is doing on just one screen and my friends and family can see what is happening in my life as well.
I have been so grateful to the new ways of connecting with my family that I decided to listen to the Steve Jobs biography on my Iphone audible books app. I am fascinated by his challenging life and the passion and purpose he brought to the technology revolution. Steve was determined to make beautiful, easy, seamless devices that everyone would benefit from using. I am grateful for his tenacity and vision I am certainly benefiting from them.
How has technology helped you stay connected? We would love to hear from you.
I can afford to retire now…I would have retired sooner if it had been financially feasible. I felt done with my job [...]]]>
I can afford to retire now…I would have retired sooner if it had been financially feasible. I felt done with my job both emotionally and energetically. Parts of it were tedious although there was some challenge. I had gone to part time and I know I would not have lasted as long as I did if I’d continued working fulltime. I just had less energy for the job than I used to.
Many people lose interest and get bored at work as they near retirement. How did your decision impact your role at work?
I worked for the same company for twenty-eight years. It took good care of me and fed me both intellectually and financially. I was in my most recent position there for eighteen years. I had a really good boss and that helped a lot. I had been talking about retiring for several years but I hadn’t given my boss an exact date. When I was ready, I gave him nine month’s notice. I don’t think it really impacted my role at work. The work was very project oriented, and we pretty much worked on one project at a time. If there was a change, it was that I perhaps was acting more as a consultant to my colleagues than before. Instead of working on just one project, I would take on the parts of a few ongoing projects in which I had particular expertise. At the end did I probably began to get a bit less interested and motivated, but I didn’t let that affect my productivity. I was very glad I gave that much notice so that people knew I was leaving and could prepare for it.
Many people don’t do much planning for retirement except the financial planning. Have you planned for your retirement beyond the finances?
I anticipated and looked forward to retirement. I enjoyed making plans. An ex-colleague who had moved to a different job called me shortly before I retired to ask if I wanted to do consulting work. I said don’t talk to me about it until at least 3 months have passed. When he did call, I said “no, thank you”. My job never fed my heart and soul. For that I’ve always did things outside of work such as volunteering, dancing, political and organizational work, and traveling. I was looking forward to having more time to do those things I like to do, which indeed I now do. I thought it would be a relief not to do my day job.
Leaving a position after 18 years and retiring from work that supported you both financially and intellectually is a huge change. Let’s talk about your experience since you retired.
In the beginning, I had a hard time keeping track of time. I missed a couple of appointments because I didn’t check my calendar. My niece lived with me for 3 months, 2 of them were right after I retired, and I had some tasks that I gave myself. But when my days became less structured it became more difficult. It is disorienting to have to create a structure for myself. I have been taking classes in Adobe Software for three hours, four days a week. This has helped give my day structure and provide me with the intellectual stimulation I need. It’s also been fun!
As spring approaches, organizing for the dance competition in April will be meeting those same needs. Actually my dance work as chair of the competition organizing committee is very meaningful for me. I have a leadership role on the board of the national dance organization as well. Part of my focus is to grow and support the dance community, and this gives me an ongoing sense of purpose as well as specific tasks. I am also still doing some political work.
I love spending time with friends in a more relaxed way. I am getting tasks done with a sense of accomplishment. I like being able to spontaneously visit with my backyard neighbor. I feel I need to have more regular exercise in my life, and it is still a bit disorienting without structured time. I ask what day is this? Do I need to get up? What do I need to be doing today? It is being untethered that is disorienting…a similar feeling to how I felt after my parents died. It’s like pulling up the anchor and floating free. A good friend warned me that this would be a big change in my life….a big deal. I am still getting used to it. It takes time to adjust, but it’s getting better. Basically, I’m LOVING being retired! I love the flexibility and the freedom and the reduced level of stress.
Sounds like you have incorporated many of the principles we emphasize in our 3rd Act workshops and coaching: finding meaning and purpose, being actively engaged, expressing appreciation and gratitude and finding pleasure in everyday.
Congratulations on transitioning to your 3rd Act!
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Barbara Zoloth Bio
Barbara worked at Wells Fargo Bank from 1983 until her recent retirement in 2011 as Vice President and Senior Credit Examiner. She holds a PhD in economics and an MBA in Finance. She taught economics at several universities including UC Davis. She has attended United Nations International Women’s Conferences in Nairobi (1985) and Beijing (1995). Barbara has traveled widely for enjoyment.
She has extensive non-profit board experience and currently serves as the Founding Board member and President of the North American Same-Sex Partner Dance Association, Founding Board member and Treasurer of Bay Area Same-Sex Dance Association, the Organizing Committee Chair for April Follies Ballroom Dance Competition and The Steering Committee Bay Area Women in Black.
Here are 7 thoughts of gratitude:
- Good Health: Perhaps some of my good health is from good genes, but both of my parents died in their early sixties when I was in my mid-twenties. So I have my doubts about the contribution of genes. When my parents died, I began to pay close attention to what I ate and to exercise. At 70, I find myself without any of the usual afflictions of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, over-weight or heart disease. I am grateful everyday as I take my walks, stretch and lift weights.
- Fulfilling Life: I have a beautiful daughter who has brought a charming son-in-law and two delightful grandsons into my life. For 35 years I loved my work, finding purpose and opportunity to contribute in my practice as an organization and management consultant. I have made many good friends who are still active, caring supporters in my life. I found a life-partner who delights me and offers me love, companionship and comfort.
- Planning makes a difference: I planned both financially and emotionally for retirement. I gradually slowed down my consulting practice and transitioning my skills and expertise to create the program we call The 3rd Act. Launching an entrepreneurial project turned out to be more work than I anticipated; but I am proud of our website, blogs, newsletter and offerings of coaching and workshops for individuals and couples over 50 who want to plan for this time traditionally called retirement. I have been busy, content and fulfilled in the last decade.
- Giving Back: Most of life, I have followed my father’s teaching about giving back to those less fortunate. I have given my time and financial resources to individuals, organizations and causes that I cared about. My current passion is the Horizons Foundation Board which is focused on expanding the resources for the LGBT community. I have met many wonderful friends, learned and grown within myself and gotten much more in return than I ever imagined. I have found that giving to someone or something beyond myself has offered me meaning and focus.
- Writing: I have begun to think of myself as a writer. I entered my 60’s with a successful professional book , “Consulting on the Inside” and ended the decade co-authoring a second edition with my good friend and colleague, Kim Barnes. I also enjoy writing the blogs for The 3rd Act. Last year, I began learning about writing fiction and doing some historical research. Now, I have finally dedicated this year for a major writing project…writing an historical novel based on the lives of my grandparents.
- Precious Time: I am aware that I don’t have the energy nor am I as strong as I used to be. My body is clearly aging and I need more sleep and more down time. I recently had a frozen shoulder I needed to attend to. And although I bragged above about my good health, my eyes and my teeth are aging too. I am more selective in how and with whom I spend my time. I am conscious that my life is finite and I want to choose well how I use the remaining precious moments.
- 4 Generations: I cherish the experiences of life and wisdom with four generations of family in my life. My daughter, son-in-law and grandsons bring the perspectives and experiences of two younger generations and help keep me young in outlook and in spirit. My baby-boomer partner, who is nine years younger, adds another view from my own “traditionalist” generation; and I love the role model my 90 year-old mother-in-law provides with her delightful sense of humor and her continued interest in life around her.
Many people tell me that I don’t look 70. Although intended as a compliment, I am a bit disturbed by these comments. It is as if there is something wrong with being 70, so I am being reassured that I since I don’t look 70, I am acceptable and don’t need to worry. I remember a comment by Gloria Steinem several years ago, when someone suggested she didn’t look her age. She responded by saying, “This is what xx looks like.” And that is how I feel about 70. The image of 70 from thirty or forty years ago no longer fits for us today. We need to re-think and over turn that old view; take off the blinders and recognize the glorious change that has occurred for us. We look younger and have more vitality today, thanks to good nutrition, medical care and exercise. So I say, this is how 70 looks and I am grateful and celebrating!
My body has fractures, she thought, as she looked at her hands cradling a mug of coffee balanced in her lap. She sighed as she gazed at the loose folds and creases etched into her weathered skin. They marched [...]]]>
My body has fractures, she thought, as she looked at her hands cradling a mug of coffee balanced in her lap. She sighed as she gazed at the loose folds and creases etched into her weathered skin. They marched like spider webs around her wrists, across her knuckles and up her fingers to the ridged ovals of her nails. Deep lines formed a mosaic of age carved into every surface. She thought they looked like the face of an ancient Native American crone she had once seen in a photograph.
How many cloths had she wrung out in those early years, she wondered, dripping ice water into a bowl before cooling a fevered forehead while she sang familiar, soothing songs to a child in bed with the flu? How many pounds of hamburger had those hands squeezed, mixing in cubes of bread, onion pieces, two slightly beaten eggs and garlic powder to mold a meatloaf for the family’s evening meal? Later she would slice it for sandwiches to slip into three brown lunch bags to be ready for school the next day. Her dog, always nearby, was poised, hoping she might drop a scrap.
How many paint brushes had those hands washed while red color flowed like bright blood into a coffee can of turpentine? She never remembered to wear the rubber gloves. How many beds had those hands made, tucking in sheets and plumping up pillows to invite a child to sleep? How many pages of her husband’s dissertation had those hands typed on their old portable after the children had been put to bed? How many tennis racquets had they held in a sweltering noon day sun? She remembered how she relished the whack of a forehand as her ball fell just inside the line.
Do not hate these hands, she thought, do not regret the fissures and grooves in every inch of skin. Love instead how they reflect the years and tell stories of wisdom born of times passed. Honor them for their hard work. Love the beauty in the way they grip a pen and record the memories of a strong, sweet life.
Contact for Meredith Stout: mstout@there.net.
My earliest memories loop back to the early 60’s when my mother first described her experience of the exquisite Big Sur coast, gardens, incredible massages, and famous cliff-side natural hot springs. “I’m working on some issues,” she announced. “With a man named Fritz.” At the age of 10, I hadn’t a clue that she was referring to Fritz Perls, but for years, the philosophy of the Gestalt prayer taped to our refrigerator echoed in my mind:
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.
(Fritz Perls, “Gestalt Therapy Verbatim”, 1969)
Mother had crossed out the last line, preferring to end with “if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.” At 85, these words remain a guiding philosophy, as does the ever-present struggle for both of us to “move beyond the expectations” of others we jokingly pointed out to each other recently. In my teens, I accompanied her to Big Sur to attend a Feldenkrais and massage workshop. My initial adolescent shock and self-consciousness were soothed by meeting other youth—working side-by-side in the gardens, doing artwork, making music and discovering a sense of openness and safety rarely experienced in our public high schools. Those early seeds may have influenced my life choices to go into the performing arts, psychology, and teaching.
Now, as I approach 60, with all of the emerging questions about what to do in my own 3rd Act, I’m being called to re-compose my life yet again. Perhaps it is time to return to Big Sur. “It is here, and nowhere else,” Henry Miller wrote of Big Sur, “that I have witnessed people recast their lives and live them out.”
Esalen has always been a safe place for teachers and attendees to “recast” their lives and experiment with what Aldous Huxley called the non-verbal humanities: the education of the senses, the body and emotions. For those lucky enough to be able to attend, Esalen hosted the most influential philosophers, physicists, psychologists, artists, and religious thinkers of our time.
I reflected on Bev’s earlier blog “Before It’s Too Late” when thinking back through all of the amazing teachers and artists who’ve touched our lives through the existence of Esalen. My last trip to Esalen was with my husband (a first) to work with authors and teachers George and Anne Leonard and learn more about their system of Integral Transformative Practice, a program for realizing the potential of body, mind, heart and soul inspired by the Japanese martial art of Aikido. We’d both admired George’s writing, especially his book from the 60’s “Education and Ecstasy”, a visionary call for educational reform, and wanted a chance to work directly with him. Sadly, Leonard died last summer—we were grateful that we had the chance to experience his invaluable and supportive teachings in person.
Beyond the workshops, massages, meditations and art-making experiences, what I treasure most about Esalen is the place itself. The grounds were once home to a Native American tribe known as the Esselen–120 acres of land nestled between the Pacific and Big Sur mountains inviting canyon hikes next to the roaring stream and daily soaks in the natural hot springs baths.
During our last visit, the Monarch butterflies, in their own transformative wisdom, were wintering at Esalen. Dense shimmering clusters of orange and black Monarch’s hung on the trees in front of our cabin.
I hope you will consider making a New Year’s resolution to celebrate and re-cast your life with The 3rd Act this January. See you there!
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Ruth Cox Bio:
Dr. Ruth Cox teaches in the Health Education Department at San Francisco State University. As a social psychologist, she has taught a range of courses on creativity, human potential and healing including “Art as Healing”. She also directs the student ePortfolio initiative at SF State.
For more than 30 years, Ruth has also worked as an actress in theater, film, and television, in productions from Shakespeare to Happy Days, and continues to act in San Francisco. She’s looking forward to new adventures in her 3rd Act!